about girls and boys

Author: angiem, 01 08th, 2010

When I was young I wanted so badly to be considered a grown up. I would dress and talk like an adult, thinking I was fooling everybody else not just myself. I remember being fifteen, already wearing 4-inch heels, certain that my destiny involved early marriage and a house full of kids. I met boys, had crushes, and once or twice even deemed myself madly in love. I believed the fairy tales, the happily ever after.

The spring of my first year at the university, a boy I had just broken up with committed suicide. For a long time I thought it had been my fault, after all he had promised to, would I ever break it off. I laughed his words off, of course, because what did I know? I was just a kid pretending to be an adult. But a few weeks later a mutual friend met me for lunch and told me that he had in fact drowned himself.

And then, not much later, I met a boy who was so jealous that he punched me in the nose and gave me the only bloody nose of my life. I remember sitting there in shock. Up until that point I believed that although harm could come to those around me, it would never touch my being. I was special.  I was a princess. Was I ever wrong!

Being a grown up was not as swell as I’d imagined. I got serious about my education and pushed the thought of marriage away. I had no need for boys and their tantrums. I became such a mean cynic. I found fault with everyone and everything. I walked around telling all who would listen that the beast would always remain a beast and the frog would forevermore croak and the princess was nothing more than an impostor. Stories lied and parents lied.

And then I met my husband and questioned my new philosophy on love and life. But didn’t quite give it up. Because I learned some truths along the way. Depressing stuff like how sad and trite life is. Only being aware of that, could I appreciate the beauty and the miracle of it.  I suppose that is why I cringe when I see young girls rush into marriage.  Into the destiny they are so adamant is theirs.  I want to tell them to take a deep breath and see if they are ready to accept the struggles and the heartaches.  Those are guaranteed.  It is the joy and the remaining love that are unexpected.

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51 Responses to “about girls and boys”

  1. Jessica Says:

    I’m so sorry Angie, about that one boy. I hope you know now that his choice had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He would’ve said that to another girl, you know.
    I got married two days after high school graduation. I agree with you that young girls shouldn’t rush into it. I love your last line about the unexpected pleasures and joys of marriage. Totally agree! :-)

  2. deb @ talk at the table Says:

    I can never comment in the moments when your words are still swirling about me.
    But I wanted to know that I read them…

  3. Diane Says:

    Most young people have no idea what to expect when they get married. I suggest lots of Christian marital books or conseling just to get an idea that it’s not all roses and castles. :O)

  4. Mary Moon Says:

    I think all of us are raised to believe the fairy tales of love and marriage. And yet, we hardly ever see that in real life- quite often the opposite.
    But still, somehow (yes! I am a princess!) we believe the fairy tales.
    Those of us who are very lucky find the right person who will work with us through the harsh realities and then we find that yes, dreams can come true. Not the way we thought they would. But still…
    If we’re lucky. And we work hard. And we want what is real.

  5. Karen@SurvivingMotherhood Says:

    It is so hard when you find out that happily-ever-after can only really be found in books.
    Reality is hard. Life hurts. People disappoint. Hearts break.
    That’s why I am so thankful for the HOPE I have in Jesus. Truly, I have a happily-ever-after waiting for me. And He will see me through all the hard times, hurts, disappointments and heart-breaks this life will certainly have for me.

    BTW, I hope you read the response I left to your comment yesterday about the giftcard. *grin*

  6. Stephanie Baffone Says:

    Hi Angie-
    This is a post I couldn’t agree with more. I am lucky enough to know after 20 years marriage can and does rock! But girls today are too focused on the fairytale and not focused on what hard work it takes to make marriage work.
    Glad you found your prince.
    Thank you always for your support!
    Stephanie xo

  7. Ava Says:

    Awww Angie. I’m so so sorry for your heartache honey. That’s alot to go thru at that age. Glad to hear you didn’t give up on love. You found your prince after all.

  8. Renee Khan Says:

    You are wonderful Angie and boy you write beautifully.

    I can’t believe that boy punched you. I know it happens but it must have been so shocking.

    Have fun at the wedding. Hawaii, how awesome.

    Please give your Mama some big hugs for me. Be happy dear one.

    Love Renee xoxo

  9. deb Says:

    It’s sad to think about what we sometimes have to go through in order to learn life’s lessons. But gaining the ability to recognize the good when we see it is a wonderful thing!

  10. Autumn Says:

    Angie, I left something at my blog for you. I will be back in a bit to get caught up on your blog.

  11. audrey Says:

    love, it’s complicated right? also heartbreaking and incredibly beautiful. how to navigate these waters…

    the way you talk about your husband is incredibly inspiring and somehow fills the air we breathe with even more love. i guess love does that. real love is a blessing too, to all in the midst!

  12. krista Says:

    yes yes and yes.
    seems weird to be fist pumping considering the gravity of this post but i suppose i mean i am with you wholeheartedly on the idea that the best possible thing a young girl can do is surrender the fantasy.
    fairy tales are a facade.

    and, oh, my heart, for you. that sad man who couldn’t see past his pain and the other man who used his pain as a weapon against you, literally.

    to get past these things, get on with them, live through…this is the real happily ever after.

  13. jeannette stgermain Says:

    Being grown up is a lot of responsibility that many who marry have no idea of! Romance is the wedding, but marriage is the process of life!

    I see that your blog is powered by Wordpress.
    (I have one at Wordpress, but am never on it, because I haven’t figured out how the friend system works -can you write me about it -at your convenience? Thanks)

  14. Susan R. Mills Says:

    Here! Here! I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s terrible about the boy who drowned himself, but you know it wasn’t your fault.

  15. Rachel Aron Says:

    I enjoyed reading this post, Angie. I’m sorry to hear that that boy drowned himself and as with all the other comments, I agree that it wasn’t your fault and he was battling his own demons that led hiim to that decision. On another note, I cannot agree with you more about cringing when VERY young girls rush to the altar because I too want to tell them: LIVE YOUR LIFE a little bit, breathe!!! I for one, cannot imagine having gotten married any earlier than I did, because I went through so many self transformations from the time I was 17 to the day I got married (22, still young, but old enough). There was a time I had also sworn off men and marriage altogether due to some “boys” but that’s when my now hubby came into my life and helped me realize that he was the reason the other ones never worked out!

  16. Corinne Says:

    It’s amazing what we think we know when we’re young. I remember trying to be grown up so early also, and falling fast and hard several times. But I’m thankful for those dark hours, because as you said, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate what I have had it not been for those awful times.
    Thank you for this today.

  17. angiem Says:

    Thank you, Jessica. It took me years to realize that.

    Thanks Deb. I appreciate your visits and your comments.

    I think counseling and reading up on marriage are wonderful ideas, Diane.

    Hard work and wanting what is real, are the key, Ms. Moon. You and Mr. Moon seem to know what you’re doing.

    I am ever hopeful. I doubt quite often, yet I am hopeful, Karen.

    Stephanie, I believe our culture is partly to blame, wouldn’t you say?

    Ava, thank you. Pain is pain. Although it was a long time ago and I’ve learned to deal with it.

  18. angiem Says:

    Thank you, Renee. I can’t believe it either! Will be thinking of you.

    I always wondered life didn’t come with a set of instructions. Perhaps we wouldn’t learn that way either, Deb.

    Autumn, thanks girl!!! Love it!!!

    Real love IS a huge blessing, Audrey. If you come across it never let it get away.

    Krista, I hold my breath waiting to read what you have to say, and you never disappoint.

    Jeannette, so true. Wedding is the romance and then life begins. Reality.
    I’m not to keen on WordPress. As soon as I return from Hawaii, I will send you an email with what I know.

    Thank you Susan. Now I know, but for many years I did feel guilt.

    True Rachel! And you have such a beautiful family. So I too, am glad you waited.

    Isn’t that just so, Corinne?

  19. Kristin Says:

    I got married at 28. I wouldn’t have been ready a minute sooner!

  20. Susu Paris Chic Says:

    Life lessons… precious ones… marriage truly is a long-term commitment. For better and for worse. No lil’ wind should make us fall.

    Have a sweet wintry weekend… Paris has more and more snow!

  21. Jena Says:

    Thank you for your honest and beautiful writing. This post is a much needed one in today’s world. It isn’t a wonder people give up a marriage so easily. They have no idea what’s real anymore.

  22. La Belette Rouge Says:

    If you haven’t seen “An Education” you MUST. I think you will really relate.

    For me I became a parentified child and I survived my family by growing up fast. Almost everyday I am grateful my childhood is behind me and that I am an adult and get to make my own rules.

  23. SJ Says:

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog! And for the high praise indeed. I’m not so sure how wise I really am :) Half the time I feel like I’m floundering around, not knowing what in the hell is right or what I really want. But thank you for saying that, it means alot.

  24. Beth Says:

    I think you have such an amazing gift of expressing yourself in writing.

    Your warnings are so appropriate–I’ve seen so many young people rush into marriage and regret it for the rest of their lives.

    I waited quite awhile–I was married a month before my 25th birthday. What an adventure it has been! I have not regretted one single day.

    Yes, the photo of the clouds over the ocean were taken at the Oregon Coast about two years ago.

    I have never seen their like since.

  25. Mama Zen Says:

    I traveled a similar road. And, no one was more surprised to discover that love is real and possible.

  26. Bebe Says:

    I’m always in awe at your words. You have a fantastic way of expressing yourself. Have a fun weekend!

  27. bethany Says:

    Oh gosh, that would’ve messed me all up too. You are brave to have worked your way to this. I like your way of writing and thinking.
    Nice to meet you. ;-)

  28. Holly L Says:

    Seriously a boy punched you! It was really hard being a wedding planner sometimes. I would see so many couples getting married…and almost all of them seemed to be very good situations, but I did have a handful of couples that it was hard to even work for (once I got to know them) for many reasons. I myself, never thought I would marry, but when I did I had no more fantasy left - I knew there was going to be work involved…and because I knew that (we knew that) is the reason we are still married 13 years +.

  29. elizabeth Says:

    Thank you for your comment on my blog today. As I visited yours and read the comments, I saw many familiar names and was once again amazed at this wonderful community we all share. I look forward to reading more of your beautiful writing!

  30. Wendy Says:

    My big mistake was believing I had any control over another person’s behaviour. Sure he cheated on all his former girlfriends, but he won’t do that to ME! I’m special! Thank goodness I didn’t rush into marriage, or I could’ve ended up divorcing THAT guy!
    The best advice I ever got was that you need to know yourself before you can marry someone else.

  31. Deb Says:

    Angie, there’s something over at my blog for you to pick up!

  32. deb @ talk at the table Says:

    I think this post quieted me, because one of my greatest fears is of course how my children will navigate these waters. What relationships will they have , and ultimately will they marry , and will it be not so much what they wanted , but worth working for.
    Your past experiences were horrible, and no doubt shocking to you and your sense of the romantic.
    But oddly, my take of most fairy tales was that there was a lot of dark before the light . I didn’t so much expect to get swept up and off , but felt a cynical resignation to life as mostly scary forests and a kiss being about as good as it gets. ( that is not how I see things now at all )
    So I want to make sure that I teach or impart or guide my children in a way that leaves them open to the wonders of love, however it comes, and the realities that living mundane petty and trying days and sometimes tragedy, that we can be blessed by sharing it with a best friend who gets us and is a good human etc
    oh my.. such a ramble. Told you I’ve been mulling this over lately.
    Love to you,
    and hope the wedding is splendid.

  33. Laura [What I Like] Says:

    I had that same desire when I was growing up…to be grown up already! I couldn’t wait, and then when I figured out the same that you did…that life can be sad (and how good are boys at showing just that?!) but also more beautiful than I ever could have thought possible at the age of 15. And that love is far more intense and life altering than I ever could have imagined… you’ve captured all of this so beautifully in your post.

  34. Bridgette Says:

    I married young, 20. I thought I knew everything, that I was ready. What a fool. I married to escape the hell of my family and homelife, luckily I found a good, patient man the first time around.
    A friend just told me of a pair of sweethearts at her sons high school.
    He saw her talking to another young man at a party and then later hung himself in her bedroom. She in turn, killed herself.
    I have no answers, only questions.

  35. Jeanne Says:

    Angie, my heart ached for you when I read your story. What a terrible weight to carry for so long yet so encouraging to hear what a wonderful relationship you have now. I couldn’t agree more on waiting for marriage. There is so much to learn and experience. It is something I say to my daughters all the time.
    Jeanne :)

  36. Lydia, Clueless Crafter Says:

    I now see much more in your recent post on domestic abuse.

    Becoming old is about a loss of innocence. I don’t know why I ever wanted to rush into that.

  37. corine Says:

    Society has evolved, marriage has evolved, but not the myth of marriage. Little girls, don’t hurry! Marriage is work. If you’re not mature enough to work at it, and if you marry an equally immature man, the myth will crumble in no time.

  38. Jennifer Says:

    Angie — It must have been quite a shock when that boy committed suicide, and then to have that followed by someone who punched you — ach! Neither of these things had anything to do with you, but was more about them, their pains and emotional issues.

    When I was seventeen, I was ready to marry my boyfriend and settle down to have children. He had a large and loving family and I wanted to be a part of it. Until I ran away to the city, thank goodness.

    (And hope you are having/had a fabulous time in Hawaii.)

  39. Annie Says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog. I am in total agreement with you on marrying too early. I was married at 24, just a child thinking back on it. I think dating is problematic, because people put their best foot forward, present the perfect face of it, when underneath the reality begs to be acknowledged and accepted. It rarely is. I wish I had presented me correctly, and been loved for that.

  40. Autumn Says:

    This was a great post. That is crazy about the boy who dronwed himself. I’m so sorry. I am also sorry that someone punched you in the nose. I know what you mean. I want to fall in love and get married, BUT not until God lands him in my lap and even then I know that it will not be perfect, but I do belive that we will be perfectly suited for one another and that through God out love can be strong and great!

  41. French Fancy Says:

    Oh Angie - I thought you might have been the lucky sort of woman to have only ever had good things happen to them, but it seems you have encountered a brute on the way. At least it ended up Happy Ever After now

    xx

  42. audrey Says:

    hey Sweet Angie, just a note to say hello. i hope things are coming along alright…

  43. Klaus Baesu Says:

    Life is full of mystery. Who new that self-slaughters, nose punchers, betrayers can build such a jovial character. God bless you.

  44. Stephanie Faris Says:

    I think the rougher the road, the stronger we become…and the more we appreciate true love when we find it. I’m so sorry you had such a tough road to get where you are today.

  45. Vanessa Says:

    Oh, yes, fairy tales dashed against the proverbial rocks of reality. I know all to well. Goodness, not to the extremes that you had to experience. I suppose that it is all relative though. Cynicism in the realms of love is my constant companion and I quickly quash any glimmers of hope. It’s my Survival Guide. :) So glad that you could move past your past and find a, doubtlessly, wonderful man (who probably had to work very hard to make you see the light). As always, a wonderfully written and powerful piece!

  46. Mary-Laure Says:

    It’s so devastating to lose someone to suicide… I know.

  47. Miss Cavendish Says:

    It seems that many of us share something in common with you.

  48. angiem Says:

    Kristin, 28 seems a good age to get married.

    Susa I did! I had a fabulous weekend in Hawaii!

    I couldn’t agree more, Jena. As Susa said, marriage is a long term commitment.

    Belette you did the best you could. And look at you now! You, my friend, are an awesome woman.

    SJ, just stating what I see.

    Beth, I did too! One month before my 25th!

    Mama Zen, so true! Love is real!

  49. angiem Says:

    Thanks Bebe, I did.

    Bethany, thank you.

    Holly, I bet you’ve seen it all! Congratulations on 13 years.

    Thank you Elizabeth.

    Wendy you said that better than I did. You need to know yourself before rushing off into marriage.

    Deb, your children have a model relationship to look at and emulate. How blessed they are.

    Laura, thank you. Why do you think there’s such a rush for girls to grow up?

    Bridgette, how very sad for those two!
    I’m sorry to hear you married to escape from home, but so pleased that your husband is a wonderful man and loves you so. I imagine that there are still girls who marry to escape the hell of home.

    Jeanne, thank you. It wasn’t easy to be sure, but I had youth and a certain amount of innocence on my side. Plus plenty of wonderful friends.

    Lydia, you have a charmed life, and I am positive you had a charmed childhood. At your age I only had a tenth of your confidence.

    Isn’t that something Corine? The myth of marriage still exists, and it still fools our daughters.

  50. angiem Says:

    You know Jennifer, I have a friend who married to be part of her husband’s family. After a few tumultuous years they worked out their differences and are still married 20 years later.

    “I wish I had presented me correctly, and been loved for that.” I love this line Annie. Thank you!

    I so admire your faith Autumn. I pray that God does bring that man into your life.

    Such is life, Julie. We never know what will come our way. Do we?

    Thank you, Klaus. We are only as affected as we allow ourselves to be. I learned that early on.

    Stephanie, some roads are certainly rougher than others. And sometimes we think that we could not stand if something were to happen to us or our loved ones, but we surprise ourselves.

    Vanessa, yes. They are two parallel worlds, aren’t they? But you’ll find your true love. I know you will. Because you know the truth now, and you know what to expect.

    Oh Mary-Laure… I am so very sorry.

    Miss C., I hope we all share more good than bad.

  51. Deborah Says:

    That is a very painful event in your life to overcome. I am so happy that you have chosen Life. sending you tons of kisses! Deb

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