hey ladies! a question

Author: angiem, 09 27th, 2012

My hair dresser thinks its absolutely normal for a woman to sleep with rollers in her hair, or a shower cap on, under which the hair is thickly coated with moroccan, olive or argon oil. When she told me that I should do this, I was absolutely horrified, to say the least. And not because she thinks my hair needs the extra hydration. What horrified me, is what it must do to her sex life if she goes to bed looking like a granny. She is young and newly married.

I can’t imagine looking so unsightly in my sleep. Can’t imagine subjecting my husband to that. All I would probably need to complete the look is drool coming out of the side of my mouth. Not that it doesn’t happen. But if it does, it isn’t intentional, and my husband is kind enough never to mention it.

For me it’s a question of respect. Out of respect for myself and out of respect for my husband, I don’t walk around the house in tattered sweats, or those gross looking pajamas that college kids consider outerwear. Out of respect for my marriage I make the extra effort to look nice. For him. And my husband does the same. For me.

I would not put up with a man who would walk around the house in his underwear, torn socks, stained shirts, baseball cap, scratching at his privates, belching, and so on. I would not want to have sex with him. I don’t even want to be subjected to watch a man brush his teeth, floss, check out the size of his pores, or the pimples on his back. Or worse yet, have me squeeze out the puss.

But I had coffee with some friends who believe not all things can be avoided in the daily life of a couple living together. Very true there. They also believe that after a person is married, how one half of the couple presents itself to the other half isn’t as important as before. That once a couple is married there should be unconditional love, acceptance and admiration in the matter of personal appearance. Not sure about that. But then it could be just me.

So my question is, what do you ladies think? How many of you do you stop caring what you look like, not to the outside world, but to your spouse? Or if you don’t stop caring, how many of you make exceptions for beauty’s sake?

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21 Responses to “hey ladies! a question”

  1. bobi Says:

    I think it’s absolutely mandatory to care… it keeps it interesting even after many years together. I think that if we don’t keep ourselves appealing to our own men then we leave room for them to be disappointed and in this life there are already too many things to disappoint us, why provide any more room for conflict. Also the golden rule applies here “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

  2. Jena Says:

    What fo you have against sweats? Some are pretty sexy looking. ;)
    You know what? Women already do too much for men! That’s my opinion anyway. And do men appreciate the effort? Nah! However I would not go to bed with a shower cap on!

  3. Lygia Says:

    lol, this made me laugh, because my sister and I just had this conversation.

    This only confirmed my belief that this is such a personal decision/preference.

    I think as a wife I NEED and WANT to be respectful and mindful of my husband’s desires/wishes and even preferences.
    I want to look beautiful for myself and for his benefit…

    But for me, I don’t consider wearing sweats disrepectful, and it certainly hasn’t had a negative impact on our, ahmm, attraction to one another in the nighttime.

    However, I am also married to a man who has told me that it is sexier to him that I want to save $40 instead of getting a manicure, or that I prefer to to dye my own hair and save $80-100.
    Yes, I married a frugal, conservative man who has publicly denounced my high heels because he desires that I be comfortable and couldn’t care less about my shoes (i still wear them because they make me feel fabulous).

    And that I can only credit to divine intervention.
    God knew the level of “beauty” that I could commit to, and he gave me a man that is happy with that level.

    I think that you should do what you think is important & respectful for you to do. And the most important thing is that you never become complacent and take each other for granted :)

  4. angiem Says:

    I agree, Bobi. From my talks with different women about this, I realized that this is probably more cultural than anything. In our culture women have a tendency to spend more time worrying about their appearance, whether at home or outside of it.

    Jena, I have nothing against sweats. I just don’t wear them. I do, however, wear pretty, lacy camisoles with stretchy jeans. They are comfortable and look sexy.

    Lygia, more than anything when I wrote the sweats down, I was envisioning those frayed, stained ones that make your butt look four times its size. Oh, and with elastic banded legs. :)

  5. Amy Says:

    Ha! I love this post and the comments! Totally agree that sweats make your ass look ginormous! Lol! Not yours! Mine! Every bodies!!! I LOVE the look of camisoles! I mean those pretty silky and lacey things are sexy and cozy. I wear them with leggings. Comfortable and super sexy. When I go out I just top the camisole with a cardigan or jean jacket.
    My favorite look both for home and out! And my boyfriend LOVES it!!!

  6. angiem Says:

    Amy, hi! Sounds so pretty. Would love to see a picture.

  7. Amy Says:

    I tried to post it in the comment but it didn’t work lol. I’ll try emailing it to you. :D

  8. Gina Says:

    If more women and men cared for their appearance their would be happier marriages all around. I’m getting married next summer and really hope to keep the home fires burning until we’re in our 90’s.
    It’s like a choice though. You have to want to do it. You don’t wake up doing it.
    What I can’t stand are those women who don’t work outside the home because they think they’re artists or whatever, they have a kid or two, their house is a mess, they look like crap but think otherwise, they complain about not having money and everything. They’re my worse fear! It’s like I want to tell them, clean up your house, get a job, take care of your kids and stop bitching!! I hope I will never be like them.

  9. angiem Says:

    Amy, I don’t think you can add photos to comments. I’ll check my email. I’d love to post it here, since I’m lacking a photo on this one.

    Gina, you crack me up. I completely understand how you feel about messy houses. I can’t stand mess. I have a full time job, don’t have a nanny, don’t have a housekeeper, write every chance I get (because I consider myself somewhat of a writer), but still, my house is clean, my dishes washed. For me, it’s all about self discipline and self motivation. BUT! I try to understand that other women might simply feel overwhelmed. There are times when I feel like that myself. I just don’t give in to it, if I can help it.

  10. Ruth Says:

    Well certain things like brushing teeth or flossing in front of each other is not that offensive and we give each other privacy out of respect (and because theres only one sink). I do think that dressing well, being clean and groomed always helps. And it starts with nice underclothes! If you start nice on the first layer the ones that follow also are more put together! There are times when we can’t always look our best (during yard work) but even when we are casual it’s never sweats!

  11. Victoria Says:

    Definitely agree that taking care of yourself is a huge MUST - married, with a partner etc. Making that extra effort for your love one makes you feel good and them feel special. There was of course that attraction at the start, so why would you want them to think any differently 5, 10, 20 yrs in when you can’t be bothered to make an effort.
    So, no I would not wear a hair mask and plastic cap, wear fluffy PJs, frayed sweatpants etc.
    Amy’s look sounds lovely.

  12. Francesca Says:

    I spend a lot of time alone, while hubby is away on business trips - and I still wouldn’t go to sleep wearing a shower cup! I do it for myself - besides, my kids would have nightmares :).
    But I did use some kind of oil for one entire day ages ago: it was sold to me as something to protect my hair from sun exposure, I put it on before going to the beach, realized only too late that it was just greasy oil, couldn’t wash it off until the evening, and, well, my hair had never looked more beautiful before (or after).

  13. Tabitha Says:

    Haha, Angie, I must admit I thought you were joking when I first started reading your post! And you’re probably not surprised that I completely second lygia’s response in this matter. :)

    We may have only known each other for months before we got married, but my husband knew he wasn’t marrying a high-maintenance woman, and that’s one of the qualities he found most attractive in me.

    Does that mean I will ever ‘let myself go’? No, but neither do I ever feel or has he ever made me feel like I need to be glammed up to be attractive to him. Most days I’m lucky if I get a shower in, and yes, I REALLY enjoy being in comfy clothes with my hair up while at home. In fact, I usually can’t wait to come home and change into said clothes. Are they made out of sweat material and have elastic at the ankles? No, but they certainly aren’t lacy and stretchy, either, haha.

    Likewise, unlike most guys I knew before my hubby, I LOVE that he’s not obsessed with status, material possessions, looks, brand names, and doesn’t spend more time getting ready than I do. There is no way I could be married to that sort of a guy.

    My husband and I floss, brush our teeth and (gasp!), even change in front of each other, and I have no idea how you could be married and intimate with someone and not do those things. For me, it’s not about respect (or a lack thereof); it’s about a comfort level that comes from the sort of intimacy where you’ve seen each other at your best AND worst, and you still love each other for who you are, on the outside and inside.

    I respect my husband’s character above any other characteristic he possesses. I love (and need) the safety that comes from being married to a God-fearing man who values integrity above all else, and understands that physical appearance is fleeting. And I know that he would say the same about me.

    I also think there’s definitely a cultural component to this conversation, but that’s another conversation for another day.

    p.s. I find my husband incredibly sexy in a baseball cap, and I hope he never stops wearing one. :)

  14. Stephanie @ La Dolce Vita Says:

    There are days, in all honesty, when I wake up looking something like thomas jefferson with a hangover. (please, don’t ask) but I would never start out with the intention of trying to look unattractive in bed in an effort to look better the next day. Can’t even imagine it. There are days you just can’t get it together, and you hope, for those days, there is some tolerance, and yes, unconditional love. For the other days - try! you’ve got to try.

  15. angiem Says:

    Tab, I agree with you that in a marriage a couple sees each other at their best as well as at their worst. There’s nothing wrong in dressing and undressing in front of each other. It is an intimate act, quite sexy in its own way. There is something wrong in having a bowel movement in front of each other, and I don’t care who says what, it is gross and disrespectful. My point is that I will not be at my worst in terms of appearance in front of my husband just because he is supposed to love me anyway, and at my best only when I am outside the house.

    Stephanie you put it so perfectly: I will not look my worst for him, so I can look my best for someone else. This is what this post is all about.

  16. Ava Says:

    Angie you opened up a can of worms with this one! My brain was screaming “DOUBLE standard!!! ANGIE how DARE you?” But then I saw that you really expect the same from men to, and I was like “phew. Ok.” but you know, I was like let me read this again because there’s something I’m not getting. And I did. Twice!!! And then I got it!!! What your saying is “don’t let yourself go just because you have a partner and fix yourself up only for strangers.” And your right!!! So many women look like shit at home but when they go meet with friends they make themselves up they look hot and gorgeous. I’m guilty of it to. Yup. But you know what? I have to be honest with you. This puts alot of women on the defensive. We all want our partners to take us as we are. You know something else? We’re ok with that but would not accept it in our men. My stepdad used to walk around the house in his underwear , pee with the bathroom door open , pick his nose at the dinner table. These are the things I remember most about him. Bring his nasty self and my mom was just as bad but she never saw it in herself , only in him and always harped on it. So yeah I get it.

  17. angiem Says:

    Ava, good! I’m glad you do get it.

  18. Christie Says:

    I agree with what you’re saying.
    It’s like the advice my mother and I gave my little sister on her wedding day:

    Don’t stop wearing makeup, doing your hair and wearing nice clothes just because you’re married.

    I think we need to remain the women that our husbands married, after all, we did snag our man while wearing makeup and taking the time to make ourselves look presentable, right?
    That said. There are exceptions. I think it’s totally okay to have a day spent in the yard, on a hike, or sick-and-tired day spent in PJ’s; as long as we don’t give up on our looks and we still feel attractive for our own self esteem and confidence. AND it’s not so bad to keep our husbands happy too. :)

  19. audrey Says:

    O Angie, what an interesting topic. When I’m inside I do get lazy with my appearance and fixing myself up. But I am well aware, that at least for me, I would like to do different. For me, I want to be more pretty. I think being pretty and being relaxed can happen at the same time. Thanks for writing this, it is even more reason for me to pay attention to my wish to take care of myself in pretty ways, in doors and out… hugs!

  20. Relyn Says:

    Excellent question. And funnily enough, my friends and I were just talking about this on Tuesday night. I say, “preserve the mystery.” I don’t clip my toenails, fart, or belch in front of my husband. I don’t complain about girl troubles and I sure as HECK don’t go to the bathroom in front of him. He offers me the same consideration. And, after twenty years, we still have a great sex life. I think this is part of the reason why. I am constantly amazed at what some women do in front of their husbands. ICK!

  21. Bia L H Says:

    Hi Ange,

    Was just checking fb out and noticed your not on it anymore? True?

    Wells…on this topic..I don’t think that wearing sweats is a no, no. There are all kinds of sweats out there and I always go for the nice one’s. Nice sweats are an absolute must have. Sure there are plenty of super ugly one’s as well that I stear clear of.

    It’s true that we should look nice for our spouse, esp. the ladies. It can be hard at times with small children and clean-up on aisle…wherever and everywhere. It is the right thing to do.

    As for broken sweats.. on him/me well..many times after a hard days work some minor things can slide by..I think. I know my husband is a very tidy, very organized guy who is also very hard working and I won’t nag him to pieces for a little hole in his hhouse shirt or pants. I think the same goes for ladies (not me) who occas. wear rollers in their hair. Love is more than just physical appearance, but true that it is important to look nice for our spouse and he should put in a good effort as well. I think we all feal good when we look our best.

    Have a Merry Christmas Angie, you and your fam.

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